Tuesday, October 31, 2017

The thing that haunts me

The thing that haunts me the most is imagining how my late grandfather would react seeing me like this. From the day he left us until now, i can count how many times i have the courage to see his photos. I'm ashamed of myself. I can imagine his face when he sees me, when he knows about my achievements, activities, wrongdoings, everything. How he would mask his anger and disappointments.

I am a failure. And no, it's not about patriarchy or pressure of being the oldest grandchild. I'm just a failure soul overall. I loathe myself so much, i hope i can just somehow disappear into the thin air.

Friday, October 21, 2016

little bit of everything

ASSALAMUALAIKUM GENGSSSSS

SO I finally decided to write again. Actually, I don't know what to write, because at first I want to tell you about a cafe, but then I thought I wanted to write about my activities, so in the end, I'll write about a little bit of everything that's going on recently.

1. Cafe
There's a cool cafe called Del'immo (?) Tokyo that opened in AEON mall. I was really intrigued by the reviews online, so I annoyed my parents and sister for a week before they decided to go there with me. Every Saturday and Sunday we're always going to my sister's dorm in BSD, so it's quite close to AEON. I bought scone, brioche, and chocolate bread there (truthfully I really don't know what to buy, gotta go with the safest choice).

I got an enlightenment after I taste the scone. SO THIS IS WHAT SCONE SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE! The first time I taste a scone was from Tous Les Jours, and it was really hard and dry, the opposite of scone from Del'immo. The scone from Del'immo also has candied orange peel which is pure heaven. It's just so good I actually want to cry because I only bought one. The chocolate bread and brioche was good too, the texture was good and the chocolate's quality is great.

2. ONG
Gue harus nulis pake bahasa Indonesia karena gue mau marah-marah. Kalo hidup gue ini film dan lo penontonnya, lo pasti udah ngata-ngatain gue. Yhaela si zahra bego banget deh sok ngambil bagian di kepanitiaan lagi, kaya hidupnya udah beres aja :'(
Gue jadi waPJ 2 ONG setelah hasil persuasi alot antara gue, azra, dan syukri. Banyak banget penyesalan gue disini, padahal acaranya masih berlangsung. Penyesalannya ditujukan untuk gue, karena kinerja gue yang buruk (menurut gue). Peran gue tuh ga penting gitu, like I'm literally just THERE.
Sejauh ini, udah selesai seleksi dengan total 315 peserta dari seluruh Indonesia (bangga dan terharu :')) Besok pengumumannya finalisnya lohhhhh hehe. Bismillah, doain semuanya lancar ya sampai akhir kelar LPJ.

3. Matkul semester 5 dan UTS
warbyaza.
Gue ga ngambil matkul SIG sama sekali cuy dikarenakan keterbatasan laptop gue haha. Sekali lagi, gue rada sedih sama matkul yang gue ambil. Gatau ya, ekspektasi gue tuh gede banget sama semua matkul geo, karena gue emang udah tertarik dan gue pelajarin semuanya dari SMA pas OSK dan OSP, bahkan setelah itu. Tapi disini yang gue dapet belum sesuai ekspektasi gue, bahkan ada pikiran untuk ngulang S1 HI. Emang deh gue suka ngide banget haha tapi serius kepikiran. Terus UTS semester ini ga kerasa karena... gatau ya, gue santai banget, kecuali DSWU yang naudzubillah tiba-tiba banget kaya maling helm gue. Selain itu sih lumayan lah hanya berbekal wangsit dan pergerakan tangan otomatis (tangan gue ceritanya punya otak sendiri) ujiannya lancar dilalui. Hasilnya sih gatau deh kan suka tiba-tiba jengjet diluar ekspektasi.

4. Ruhaniyah
Tadi liqo pertama ngomongin ruhaniyah terus jadi kepikiran hari ini tuh sesuatu banget. Pagi-pagi gue ketemu kakek-kakek jualan kipas keliling, gue mau samperin eh diklakson motor belakang -_- jadi cuma bisa doain si kakek. Terus kepikiran Alm. Amel dan Atung, gatau kenapa gue selalu kepikiran mereka marah-marah ngeliat keadaan gue sekarang yang hidupnya seenaknya aja ga pake mikir ke depan. Terus abis itu kepikiran lagi, gue kayanya susah deh mau berjodoh sama dia-yang-gue-ga-perlu-sebut-namanya-karena-lo-seharusnya-tau, karena dia kaya lurus banget dan pinter dan diem dan baik sementara gue a little bit of everything gini :'( kedengerannya lebay sih tapi beneran deh, gue  kaya low self esteem banget kalo dibandingin sama dia, galau nih ceritanya abis curhat ke kak Pipit. Ditambah lagi menurut gue lagi sering ketiduran tanpa baca doa tidur sekarang :'( astaghfirullah sedih.

5. Ngantuk
Ga boong abis seleksi kemaren gue udah aneh banget bawaannya tidur terus dimanapun kapanpun mata ngantuk mood jelek gabisa mikir ughhhhhh kenapa.

6. New foods I've tried
Recently I tried the new KFC cheesy hot chicken(?) and it's not that good, maybe because I ate it with rice. I also tried the McD apple pie and I'm quite disappointed by the pastry. It's not even a pastry, the texture was bad.


As I'm running out of things to tell, gotta end this post here.
Write to you soon, makhluk gaib!






Zahrana
ps: kalo lo baca postingan gue dari awal kuliah, keliatan banget sih menurunnya tingkat intelektual (?) dan bahasa inggris gue (bahasa inggris gue emang dari awal biasa aja sih cuma tambah parah), dan keliatan juga tambah stres haha

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Mental Breakdown

A bunch of thanks to all of you who quite forcefully push me into that shameful moment where I embarrass myself enough to last a year without hanging out in my faculty. As I weep in shame, you should weep in regret too, because I made the team lose. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Stupidity

Just when I thought that I can't do anything more stupid than something I did minutes back, I actually do something extraordinarily stupid that makes my stomach churn in embarrassment. I really want to puke omg I'm such a mess :'(

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Mental Breakdown

So....
I don't even know where to start.

Gue sepertinya mengambil jalan yang salah. Lagi. Hmmmm sounds super stupid, I know.
Pengen nangis aja. Pengen pergi, gausah kuliah lagi. Ga usah ke MIPA lagi. Ga usah ketemu semua orang di MIPA lagi.



Katanya, amanah ga pernah salah milih pundak.
Tapi gue ragu sama pernyataan barusan.




Time will tell, but I apologize for everything, in advance.





Lalu, buat seseorang yang punggungnya selalu gue bayangkan,
I'm trying to be like you, to be as smart, as cool, as calm, as wise as you are.
I know I can't be with you, so I'm trying to be like you, then at least I will have something related, or similar to you, in me.
Before I do anything, I always ask myself, what would he do if he was in this situation? It helped me a lot actually, made me decide everything calmly.
I'm really grateful for your presence in my life, for that really short period of time we spent together, mostly you helped me, working after the mess that I made.



Terima kasih ya.

Regards,
Zahra, yang tugas geoman-nya belum selesai padahal deadline-nya besok jam 08.00.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Midnight Thoughts

I hate listening. I hate being involved in somebody else’s life overall, though I love to know them, their life. 
When I listen to someone, my mind often wandering and making wild assumptions. my imagination runs wild, and I can’t control it. As a compensation, I will try to help them, further getting into their life. It annoys me a lot. I can’t even pull my(stupid)self together, yet I’m trying to help people to pull themselves. 

Another thing, sometimes I can’t control myself. I always try to have full control of myself, my thoughts and emotions. but when I feel something (say, admiration) I lost control of myself. I always let myself loose, hoping that said person, the one that I adore will getting used to myself, the real me without any lie. It’s a stupid hope, I know. 


Bottom line, I hate myself so much, I felt extremely apologetic towards my friends who sticks with me until now. 





I made this post at 1 a.m after having a really bad day, even meeting my crush can't fix it :|.











From someone with no self-esteem, but stupidly trying to have one,
Zahra Salsabila

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Me

I'm stupid.
I'm ignorant.
I'm hard-headed.
I'm mean.
I'm selfish.
I'm ugly.








Then, why am I here?